High school sweethearts fade into the background when it’s time to go off to college, but what if you’re dating your brother? Lem wants to know how he can get his familial twin boyfriend to take things to the next level, but also worries that might be the wrong thing to do.
Lem (a 19 year old gay male) asks:
I am very scared to write this email so I hope you won’t judge me. I don’t know where else I can write a question like this however. I am 19 and gay and so is my (fraternal) twin bro Ariel. A night when we were kids he came over to my bed and started pulling on my stick and since we’ve been pulling our sticks for like 10 years. We 69 sometimes but no anal.
We got into Temple for college and go together and stay in a dorm together but I don’t know what to do now that we are adults. I know you should not be dating your bro but I love him and he loves me back but we can’t tell anybody. Now that we got to college we do stuff sometimes but I think he wants to stop. I thought he met a guy or girl (he says he’s bisexual) but he says no. All he talks about is his robot in his robotics class. He built it and teaches it things. I met it one time and it’s very stupid. It doesn’t know how to talk or anything. It’s cool though. My bro loves it and sometimes says no to hangouts with me because he wants to hang with the robot. He says the robot is getting smarter and he can make it talk. He likes the robot more than me I think. But the robot can’t pull his stick I don’t think so I still got that advantage.
Like I don’t know how to continue because he’s my bro and it’s wrong that we do this but it’s not really. I love him and I want to have anal sex with him but where do we go from there? How do you ask your bro to do anal and decide to have a normal relationship? I think maybe we should break up. I don’t know because I love him and am so confused about what is the best way to be with him but I don’t know if I’m with him at all and then he loves the robot more maybe. What should I do? Please don’t say I’m weird.
You should probably stop pulling your brother’s stick (and vice-versa). I don’t say that because you’re involved in an incestuous relationship. We keep a pretty unbiased, open mind over here and if anyone’s going to call you weird it’s a compliment. Technically speaking, you’re not doing anything harmful by engaging in sexual acts with your twin brother. You’re both gay, so you can’t have messed up children and so that taboo, in this case, is really a matter of public opinion. Some will argue there are psychological ramifications here, and that might be the case, but without any specific evidence to suggest that is or isn’t the case we prefer not to judge.
That said, you should probably stop the sexual activity with your brother. This robot he’s building seems somewhat arbitrary. I don’t think he loves it more than he loves you. I think he’s trying to break free from the only relationship he’s ever known and he doesn’t know how to do it without hurting you. He’s using the robot to seem too busy for you, perhaps in hope that you will become upset and want to call things off with him. Instead, this is hurting you and you’re dwelling on an unknown. That’s not healthy and this issue won’t be resolved until you two have a chat about it.
Have a Brotherly Chat
Tell your brother what you want and ask him what he wants. It seems you want a relationship but feel that it might be better to call things off due to potential hardship. If you both really love each other and want a relationship, perhaps that’s the best course of action. You won’t know until you discuss it. Nevertheless, you’ve only ever been with each other. You’re in a situation many high school sweethearts encounter after graduation: you’re in college and suddenly you’re seeing a whole new world—or, well, he is.
This Is a Normal Life Change (Save the Incest)
It’s not uncommon for one member of a relationship to detach and want to experience something new while the other feels slighted. You might not be able to answer whether or not you and your brother are best off in a romantic relationship right this second. You may need to take some time apart, explore the world of other people, and discover your identities. That’s a major part of college, and if you’ve only known each other sexually you still have a lot to learn and plenty of maturing to do.
Having a relationship with only your brother for your entire life thus far could have an isolating effect. You seem like a sweet kid, but you may be missing out on experiences other kids your age received years ago. It may be in everyone’s best interest to call the incestuous relationship off for the time being so you can experience the world. If you both find that you miss and love each other and want to be together, you can reach that conclusion later in life.
You’re in a Tough Situation (Obviously)
Maybe that’s what you both need and maybe it isn’t. This is a complex situation and shouldn’t be taken lightly. I only presume that you don’t have many allies in the world with whom you can discuss this kind of relationship, and that’s unfortunate. We’re just here to give advice and are in no position to judge whether or not being with your brother can cause you harm. I worry many people in the field of psychology have a bias that would impede fair treatment as well.
It’s a tough situation to tackle right now, so if your brother wants to explore the world of other people you should try to see that as an opportunity. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, but is interested in a natural exploration of his identity. That’s something you ought to be excited about as well.
You’ll always be brothers. You can always love each other. You just don’t have to fuck each other. Give it some time, and if it turns out to be what you both want and think is best for you then I can at least promise you’ll have a few people over at Awkward Human who won’t judge you.