Author’s note: I prefer to write about upbeat, positive things rather than complain about what’s wrong. I make exceptions sometimes. We need to indulge ourselves once in a while. It’s not always healthy, but it makes us feel good. So, this article serves the same purpose as eating the pizza it’s about: it’s a pleasurable activity designed to be conducted in moderation and should not be taken too seriously.
Pizza Hut, the originator of the stuffed crust pizza, has just unveiled a Grilled Cheese Stuffed Crust Pizza. It’s two all-American favorites in one…but there’s no American cheese.
The Grilled Cheese Stuffed Crust Pizza crust is stuffed with cheddar and mozzarella cheeses, then topped with toasted breadcrumbs and melted butter for an artery-clogging explosion of gooey cheesiness.
A large one-topping Grilled Cheese Stuffed Crust Pizza costs $12.99.
We Rarely (and also Never) Grill Cheese
When was the last time you fired up a grill and threw a piece of cheese on it, all alone, hoping to gain some smokey flavor? Have you, or anyone you’ve ever known or even heard of, purposefully grilled a slice of cheese just to eat it? Grilled cheese is not a literal name. So, putting semantics aside, “grilled cheese” generally refers to a grilled cheese sandwich. But that, too, is rarely grilled. If it is, we’re grilling the bread and not the cheese.
Pizza Hut likely is not grilling the crust of their pizza to adhere to the literal definition of a grilled cheese sandwich, likely because practically nobody else does and they’re making a pizza. Serendipity’s Frozen Hot Chocolate isn’t actually hot at any point in the process of making it, but it gives you a clear idea of the flavor, temperature, and texture of the treat. That’s just a clever use of language. Because who wants to order a “Cold Chocolate,” right?
So while I readily admit the angle of this article is pointless for exactly the same reason, I’m writing it because if I’m going to bitch and moan about a subject it’s going to be how little it takes to encourage anyone to post a gripe these days. Sometimes, it’s just better to say “here’s a crazy new pizza you can enjoy if health and longevity isn’t one of your life goals.” You still get to complain, but at least it’s about something real.
But in case you need some sort of evidence, just go look up some grilled cheese recipes. I’ll start with the top options on Google:
- All Recipes’ Most Popular Grilled Cheese Sandwich: “Bread, butter and Cheddar cheese – here’s a way to make this classic sandwich in a nonstick pan.”
- Food Network’s 50 Grilled Cheese Recipes: One of the recipes requests grilled zucchini, but only one of the 50 options (#47: “Truly Grilled Cheese”) asks you to use a grill.
- Wikipedia’s Grilled Cheese Entry: Okay, so most people think Wikipedia is an unreliable source even though it’s pretty much on par with other academic sources people feel are more reputable (see Wikipedia’s argument as well), but we’re not talking about complex science or history here. The article mentions that grilled cheese is more often cooked in a pan or griddle, so a griddled cheese sandwich would provide a more commonly accurate description. Nevertheless, the English term version of cheese toastie also gets the job done accurately as toasting the bread just means browning it with heat. So the most accurate description of a grilled cheese sandwich comes from the Brits, not Americans, which continues to call into question why Fox News thinks you need American “cheese” to make it count. More on that later.
I’ll stop here, assuming you don’t want a detailed account of the numerous Google search results, recipes, history lessons, and other articles that back this up. You’re probably smart enough to realize that nobody is heating up a cheese slice on a grill or that a grilled cheese sandwich rarely touches a grill.
As the realization sits in that you just wasted time you could’ve spent eating a grilled cheese or masturbating with the butter left on your hands, remember that I could’ve done that several times over instead of writing this pointless article.
American Cheese Isn’t Exactly Cheese
I thought we all knew that American cheese, while technically a dairy product isn’t exactly cheese. Here’s how dictionary.com defines cheese:
Let’s take a look at how Cheese.com defines American cheese:
American cheese is processed cheese made from a blend of milk, milk fats and solids, with other fats and whey protein concentrates. At first it was made from a mixture of cheeses, more often than not Colby and Cheddar.
So while the stuff was originally a cheese combo, now it contains whey protein. What doesn’t, according to the previous definition? Cheese. But it’s not not cheese, either. (Phew, double negative.) American cheese sits somewhere in dairy limbo, and food blog Serious Eats explains this situation best:
American cheese—even the “fancy” stuff you can get sliced at the deli counter—is not exactly cheese. But here’s the thing. Saying “American cheese is not cheese” is like saying “meatloaf is not meat.” Just as meatloaf is a product that is made by blending real meat with texture- and flavor-altering ingredients, so American cheese is a product made by blending real cheese with texture- and flavor-altering ingredients. In fact, percentage-wise, there’s a good chance that there’s more milk and cheese in your American cheese slices than there is meat in your meatloaf!