The Nintendo Switch is coming, are you?
It’s almost been 3 weeks since the unveiling of the Nintendo Switch, the latest console/handheld hybrid device from the Nintendo. On the very same day, YouPorn tweeted the following:
The most important question: Can we watch porn on the Nintendo Switch? pic.twitter.com/cD8mvSqsy6
— YouPorn Katie (@YouPorn) October 20, 2016
On the announcement day, we also received a press release from Brad Burns, the VP of marketing which stated, “We look forward to doing our own discoveries on the product, and giving our audience who will be buying this amazing product the opportunity to integrate their love for our content with their new purchase.”
Why am I just reporting this now? Research. I jacked myself into YouPorn to write a better piece for you. It was distracting at times, but I pumped the site for information to reveal the tale of this unusual coupling. Why is YouPorn so eager to get their, hopefully sanitized hands on the Joy-Con Grips of the Nintendo Switch? Would Nintendo allow a site that has almost 11,000 views on an animation of Bowser giving Princess Peach his Magic Mushroom (doggy style, of course) to stream content on their unit?
Obviously, YouPorn was interested in getting some social penetration by riding Nintendo like Cloud riding a Chocobo. Fantasy or not, it does seem like the Switch will be more open than Nintendo’s past devices. It’s rumored that it will be region-free, so users will be able to play their North American games and imports on the same unit. Furthermore, rumors also suggest the company is finally getting with the times and will allow people to share images and videos from their gameplay. Does this mean Nintendo will welcome partners to make their own apps for the hybrid device? Is the “Hamster” next to the gaping “Gung Ho” in the previous image a hint at the future of porn and the Nintendo Switch?
Perhaps I’m groping at nothing. Maybe YouPorn is too. Though, I’ve been playing video games since the 1980s and I have seen my fair share of porn on those machines. In 1984, I owned a Commodore 64 that played cartridges, tapes and floppy disk games. One of my floppies contained a strip poker game (sorry mom). Aside from my digitized pictures of Samantha Fox on the strip poker game, there were adult, unlicensed games for the Atari 2600 as well. Throughout game console history, erotic material has always found a way onto the devices.
It’s safe to say that YouPorn is interested in more than just getting hits with their tweet and press release. Last year, they published statistics on console traffic to their site. Many people have ditched desktops and laptops and use their phones for all their computing needs. Thus, it makes sense that some individuals are using gaming consoles for porn. Nintendo’s brand is very unlikely to allow any official YouPorn involvement with the Switch. The examples I mentioned above were mostly unlicensed or bootleg. Yet, a curious anomaly is a title from Acclaim in 2002, BMX XXX. The game featured topless female players & strippers on the XBox and Nintendo’s GameCube. The Playstation 2 version of the game was censored because Sony refused to publish the nudity. Intriguing that XBox & Nintendo didn’t fight for censorship as well.
Whatever the future brings for YouPorn and its goal to pervert the Nintendo Switch, I do have some advice for potential buyers. If you have trouble mounting your Switch into the tight dock, or if your Joy-Con controllers have trouble slipping into their grips or the hardware, do what every porn actress has done since the creation of cinema. Pick up your phone and dial a plumber to help you with all your fittings. Before long, Mario will have you saying, “Wahoo!”