How the United States Masturbated During the 2016 US Election

Prior to voting, a number of people needed some alone time according to RedTube.

Election season is always a difficult and stressful time for everyone. People are passionate about their views, as is the porn site, RedTube. On the morning of the election, RedTube reported an increase in traffic from the U.S. Were those visitors “between 4am and 6am” using masturbation as a coping mechanism or actually aroused by the election? Of course, it is just statistical data so we’ll never know. It might have been more helpful had RedTube posted the search terms used in those early morning hours. Without that vital information, I am forced to guess. As President Reagan quoted in 1988, “facts are stubborn things.” Let’s do this.

The following list of search terms used on RedTube on the morning of the election is fabricated by my imagination. The analysis after the term is based on my collected knowledge from watching Scorpion and the reality show, The Girls Next Door.

  • Pantsuit– You like to be dominated, but your safe word is Dennis Rodman because Kim Jong-un is strict, but fun.
  • Trumpadour– There’s nothing wrong with a hair fetish. We’re all unique individuals like snowflakes, and hair pieces.
  • Polling Place 2: The Party Ticket– Are you looking for a job? Porn writers could use your help.
  • Big *insert body part here*– See Yoda.
  • Blue dress– There’s nothing wrong with fandom, but be careful not to live in the past.
  • Trump– Teanna Trump is no relation, but she would love to be pardoned.
  • Batman v Superman Gay– You’re looking for a hero. The election looked scary, the Hollywood movie was terrible, maybe the parody brought you some relief.
  • Cigar– Bill, see “Blue dress” above.
  • Gwyneth Paltrow– Look, I’ve been given instructions not to be political in this post and I believe in being inclusive, but stop. Just stop.
  • Pegging– Were you looking for help or instructions? See the podcast.
  • Current polls– Oops, those search bars all look the same. I hope you enjoyed a video with “current” in the title?
  • Green party– Alien’s need love too.
  • Gary’s Johnson– As a fiscal conservative, I’m surprised you used a free porn site like RedTube.
  • Obama’s Oral Office– You have hope and presumably Obama enjoys Hope in the video.
  • Chicks with dicks– No candidate in the election really represented your feminist beliefs. Is it also safe to say that Dennis Rodman is your safe word?

Other Countries Abstained From Masturbation on Election Day

True story. RedTube traffic dropped around the world as onlookers watched with awe. While the results of the polls were being counted RedTube shared that visits to their site from Belgium dropped -17%, and Portugal fell -26%! The only minor drop reported in U.S. hits was during the time citizens were out voting. So, while some Americans were out voting, others were participating in “self-care” on RedTube. Meanwhile, other nations used their bandwidth to follow the election results, rather than practice self-love on November 8th. You know you’ve got a hit reality show when people stop masturbating to watch it. Someone call Hollywood, we’ve got a hit show to pitch them for the foreign markets.

What Have We Learned From All of This?

First, if I get a job writing for a mainstream media outlet, you know there’s a problem with journalism. I made up search terms above. If you check my source, you’ll see that. Of course, you should go beyond my source and look for more information from other trusted locations. It’s called triangulating. Get at least 3 sources that say the same thing before you believe the facts you’ve been presented. The one exception is Dennis Rodman. If he says it is true? It’s true.

Second, it’s important to know that each of us, no matter how we voted, is a beautiful snowflake. If you’re bored with that metaphor like me, how about we’ve all got our individual kinks. Trump, Clinton, and the other candidates didn’t represent all of our individual beliefs. The only person who can represent you, and your opinions, is you. So, while you may disagree with your neighbor on the election, both of you may be huge pegging enthusiasts. You can always find similar interests if you communicate with people, rather than talk at them. I mean, obviously the RedTube statistics hold one truth, we all masturbate.