Take Your Ass To Red Lobster

Super Bowl 51 is coming up this February and it reminds me of last year’s big star, Red Lobster. You know, after sex you go eat at Red Lobster, like the Queen B commands. Admittedly, I’m not a football fan at all. In fact, I didn’t even watch the Super Bowl last year. Yet, there’s an interesting story tied to the events of last year. The day before her performance at the Super Bowl, Beyonce released her video for “Formation.” In the jam she sings, “When he fuck me good, I take his ass to Red Lobster.” Normally, restaurants don’t see a lot of traffic on Super Bowl Sunday, but the restaurant reported a 33% jump in sales on that day last year. Red Lobster attributed the bump to Beyonce’s callout in “Formation.” It was also the first time the 49 year old company has ever trended on Twitter.

Red Lobster Math

The creep-tastic old model was taking someone to dinner and expecting sex as a thank you. While I never personally subscribed to that cliché, sex is one way to burn calories. According to a 2013 study, men burn 4.2 calories per minute during sex, while women burn 3.1. If you’re too lazy to do the math, simply use The Sex Calculator. The study showed that jogging almost burns twice that amount, but as the joke goes, I only run when I’m being chased.

Let’s extrapolate on this theory of exercise a bit more. I’m not much for seafood, so how about some mozzarella sticks to start? That’s 810 calories according to Red Lobster’s site. If we split those between the two of us, that’s 405 calories for me. I suppose I’ll try to be healthy and get the Salmon New Orleans which is another 1,020 calories. So how much sex do I need to have to burn those calories? Math would have been more fun if I wrote the story problems, just saying. After 5 hours and 39 minutes of sex, I’ll break even. Or just break. It would seem that Beyonce flipping the model to Red Lobster after sex, a reward for a good performance, is a more realistic approach.

The Beyonce Bump

When I recently looked at mainstream companies advertising in porn, I found some information on companies doing product placement in porn as well. Perhaps this is the next method for Kanye West to dominate music, selling product placement in his music. Oh, never mind. He already did that featuring a Kardashian in his video. Perhaps the Beyonce bump was just a one time anomaly? Speaking of, I was just listening to Childish Gambino while I was working on this story and now I really want some Oreos. I hope you enjoy whatever you choose this February, Super Bowl or Red Lobster.