Thrust Your Sex Stats In Other People’s Faces With The New Smart Condom

“Slow down! First I have to put my smart condom ring on so I can show my bros how good I gave it to ya!” The future of sex sounds so romantic.

There are a number of smart devices women can insert into their vaginas based on improving health and muscles, but the i.Con Smart Condom is all about appealing to the stereotypical male ego. The device itself is not a condom, but a ring that sits at the base of the condom to record “data.” Instead of being a useful tool to improve health, men will get the speed, total number, and the average velocity of their thrusts.

The company behind this device, British Condoms, also promises girth measurement, skin temperature, plus duration & frequency of sessions. As one writer for CNET put it, “Because sure, let’s gamify sex. What could go wrong?” The idea that the company believes I want these kind of statistics is appalling. I can only imagine that the app will eventually include an update with a color commentator from the NBA to cheer dudes on about their physical prowess. Wouldn’t that spice up your sex life? Siri randomly popping in to say, “HE SLAMS IT HOME! BOOMSHAKALAKA!”

I’m sure I’m not the target market, but I’m sure a truly smart condom would be much more appreciated. How about a condom that finds all the mentions of your potential hookup on the web and determines if he or she is a stable mate? Even a condom that tells you not to sleep with your boss or best friend’s sister would be much more useful. Jokes aside, measuring blood flow or blood pressure would allow men to monitor something that can affect their erections and thus, sex life. Since the i.Con will tell users how many calories they’ve burned, I assume the app collects height, weight and age for the calculation. Considering alcohol can be a factor of erectile dysfunction, why not have a simple way to add how many alcoholic drinks users have had?

Instead of health concerns, the i.Con Smart Condom is focused on beta testing the sensors to track different sexual positions. Why? I’ll guess they’re going for badges? Good luck getting your passion propeller badge. I should add that a press release reports that the i.Con will be able to “detect chlamydia and syphilis,” but their own product page says nothing about it.

British Condoms says they have 96,000 pre-registered emails of people interested in the product. So, be prepared to see male friends updating Facebook and Twitter with thrust counts because why would you want that data if you weren’t going to brag about it. Bragging about sexual conquests have always been a source of male pride, but now they’ll have numbers to prove it. That is, until some meathead attaches it to a jig saw to hack his numbers.